UNCLE RAY'S RENGA HAIKU
I let him sniff it (Madonna)
Scrooge-throttle holiday (Donald Duck)
Anti-trust meth-hoedown (Sonny Barger)
Grind me a godhead (Neal Cassady)
Poodle-punch layup (Mr. Rogers)
Elvis ate me first (Natalie Wood)
The buffalo jam (Ed Wood)
Fucked and bungee-less (Wile E. Coyote)
Half-dream room waltz (Muhammad Ali)
I had a rock, jim (Dennis Hopper)
Sky volts in the wiggage (Nikola Tesla)
A Tuesday face-sit (George Orwell)
They'll tax my hog farts (John Wayne)
Up yours standing under (Frank Lloyd Wright)
Titty-dance hair trigger (Jack Ruby)
Beastly ice, my tiny balls (Harry Houdini)
Some kooze, an Otter-Pop (Mr. Natural)
That was me up there (Jesus H. Christ)
Dry 5 a.m. screamer (Hank Williams, Sr.)
Big smile, air, no pants (Tarzan)
History bends I twist (Chubby Checker)
The water is a horny song (Flipper)
A righteous swat gone (Babe Ruth)
I pray her legs upward (Duke Ellington)
Downdraft clutchless peckers (Richard Petty)
Horizon reacharound (Amelia Earhart)
I unplugged it all (Albert Einstein)
THE HAIKU OF G.W. BUSH
They say cows don't vote
Republicans know better
get in the boxcar
Remember my dad?
I hope the fuck not, Bubba
I'll snap your jockstrap
If I write my speech
dandy groom in tux
marries somebody
So I came this far
smug lizard in a red tie
denied at the gate?
I bought a Corvair
a snake for Nader's mongoose
crawl to the White House
I've got my posse
Frank and Jesse James in suits
they liked money too
You want bad tv?
Don't I look like Chevy Chase?
Al and Ralph do not
Let's play Battleship
one game for the White House, Al
hit and sunk, you rubes
Dad bought fishing gear
for his last election day
we talked about trim
President me now
act like a duck long enough
you'll be asked to quack
You want a recount?
I want seven great big whores
oval office fun
Hate me already?
I am a dead shark today
hid under your bed
I've got my standards
if you can't sue it shoot it
lethal injection
Me or Al or me
you take Sally I'll take Sue
and F-L-A too
Heads it's me, you know?
call it in the air, Al Gore
Lincoln on both sides
You sue my ass off
I'll sue the fuck out of you
we'll blame the union
Some liquor, some cocaine
worry about the wrong things
my hand on your purse
I will have my way
I will always cut my half
out of the middle
This scenario
cooked up in advance by masks
Illuminati
THE HAIKU OF AL GORE
If this keeps up
couldn't you almost like me?
who deserves shitrain?
Whipped in my own state
couldn't even win Texas
if I was Bob Wills
Where is Dan Quayle?
I could bang him like a gong
golf course in Indy?
History of Man
Bill sticks it where he shouldn't
Al gets eighty-sixed
Thanks Ralph you chumpstick
I'll feed you a jellyfish
on Christmas morning
Diggin' these haikus
huggin' a tree huggin' me
wood for days and days
How 'bout earth safety?
some condoms for the ozone?
some ass-gaskets too?
Ralph more green than me?
I invented the color
Pinocchio rules
The PMRC?
red would be the color there
Tipper's ass my face
So Tip' hated Prince
maybe drummer envy there
one more Tyme problem
Hey George you fuckbag
Zappa said he'd shake Tip's hand
just to sink your dad
Republican lite
just have to live with that one
rock and a hard place
Let's go to the beach
blue hair Mai-Tais funky votes
Hell or a suburb
Fake Penthouse Forums
home of the spring break five-way
strangers tomorrow
I'll tell you what George
one game of Mousetrap takes all
want a piece of cheese?
THE HAIKU OF PAT BUCHANAN
I wrote for Nixon
sound off like you got a pair
those were legend days
No abortion, Jane
send the 3-headed rapist
a Father's Day card
Want some religion?
I'll whack you with my Bible
'get hit in your soul'
Where did we go wrong?
Republicans wussing out
Nazis looking good
Shoulda been a cop
thwacking skulls in Chicago
my kind of orgy
Lets bring back the past
just give me a dictator
Elvis or Handsome Dick
Grab those bootstraps punk
hire you as a peon
piss in this cup now
Black lady V.P.
politics of the perverse
I'll mindfuck you good
My favorite things
warfare hawks meat liquor guns
whiskers on kittens
Give it up now, Al
I'll get you a reacharound
I've still got clout
Wank about The 'Nam?
we threw down on those buggers
Kent and Jackson State
Sure we got freedom
welcome to the USA
pull my finger Juan
I'm filmagenic
ready for my biopic
where's Lou Costello?
Your handful of spunk
Onan's act or genocide?
hope you all go blind
I won't abort you
hit the ground with the want-ads
run motherfucker
Sit here on the beach
Christ, I didn't vote for me
thrift store Chia Pet
THE HAIKU OF RALPH NADER
GM tapped my phone
they wanted me dead or worse
bought me a Corvair
Al Gore and George Bush
some turkeys for the season
get the fork they're done
Got to have my look
skinny tie and college suit
swank in a Corvair
Danced with Patti Smith
at the MSG Ralph-fest
spooky times indeed
Want four years of George?
how 'bout a Corvair sandwich?
add four years of Al
I turned down hookers
tasty presents from GM
romp in a Corvair
Now kids want Corvairs
Playstation 2, Al and 'Dub
naked emperors
Blind spots everywhere
don't check my portfolio
make bread something dies
Recall Al and George?
they're unsafe at any speed
a couple Corvairs
Remember good tv?
remember Ernie Kovacs?
died in a Corvair
I sunk the Corvair
no Goliath no David
you do what you can
Illuminati
last one escaped was Jesus
died in a Corvair
Remember Babe Ruth?
a swattin' motherfucker
he owned no Corvair
Know Jim Morrison?
stalked L.A. in a Cobra
he owned no Corvair
Bounced from the debates
do you know what time it is?
see my coup-coup clock?
THE DEPARTING HAIKU OF BILL CLINTON
I'll miss the White House
sneaking out after midnight
Potomac salmon
Midnight sax practice
that was me up on the roof
blues for sad D.C.
I'm no Huey Long
met the press in pajamas
you gotta love that
They impeached my ass
a fool for poonanny
hung by his bent dick
GOP bloodfest
not forgiven til you sin
'just gimmie three steps'
Slick hillbilly rogue
Republican sticks and stones
I found ya'll some jobs
Get the burritos
salsa like some devil cum
cooks the breakfast wig
Pardon Chuck Manson?
I have a sense of humor
we could double date
Been to prison yet?
we need to feed the machine
capitalism
Leonard Peltier
shot the Feds and the Feds won?
would he pardon me?
Went to Ireland
far better than Nebraska
no Cornhuskers there
Socks The Cat could talk
feline ambassadorship
what else could I do?
Up on Air Force One
we'd aisle-surf on takeoff
fart with the press boys
Poor Newt took a hike
with his dick in the wringer
we had Polaroids
Had a gal Friday
Saturday Sunday Monday
Arkansas weekend
Look up in the sky
with a right like Joe Frazier's
Hil' showed me the stars
See-gar and a gal
a bucket of KFC
wife in the senate
What is history?
a bimbo and some pizza
my spunk on her dress
Go get the Mustang
mothballed down in Arkansas
put in two back seats
When we bombed the Serbs
they wore targets in the streets
even pretty gals
Met Fidel Castro
said I was Kennedy-esque
dug my bay of pigs
I doomed the donkeys
with my wayward copperhead
night of the Dumbos
Never liked no dope
almost did my brother in
I'm a poontang man
Reagan juggernaut
a jubilee train indeed
no depot for you
How'd ya'll make out?
twelve years of Reaganomics?
commodity cheese?
I whipped Dole's ass
Republican joker stiff
just get off his lawn
Sure I dodged the draft
my one heroic act dissed
drop your pants for peace
Here I come New York
a pension and a hard-on
lose the SS guy
Autumn in New York
call Victoria's Secret
lunch at Hooter's first
Can't we get along?
always liked that Rodney King
lynched for crude mischief
Christmas in D.C.
bust a cap in old Saint Nick
sneaking in your house
New Year's I'll get tanked
break up the Lincoln bedroom
holler for ice cream
Middle-East blow-up
jump-start the Apocalypse
throwing stones at tanks
I'll cut off my ear
plant it in the Rose Garden
guess what Freud would say?
Don't need any keys
no cash no watch no phone bills
just a normal guy
Snuck out a back door
a thousand D.C. evenings
full moon masked ball sin
Look out for China
the way they fuck with Taiwan
Job looks impatient
Junior Johnson's ghost
my January chauffeur
red-lined, no seatbelts
Jogged to Baltimore
Edgar A. Poe and Babe Ruth
ghosts laughing at me
Jesse Ventura
up there in the frozen north
fishing with a spear
Open up the door
let a haiku man come in
found me a new gig
I want my own march
the first Million Liar's March
make it a billion
I should have Bird's axe
my tenor for the alto
'Klact-obillseds-tene'
Thelonius Monk
piano haiku madman
should have been POTUS
This is a weird pad
lurid Lou Reed played downstairs
woke up Delmore Schwartz
Slow-speed Bronco chase
that was a two-pizza night
good name for a band
Dig roller coasters?
Elvis stood up all the way
front car for the King
Traveled with The Bomb
portable Apocalypse
ghoul Palm Pilot
You see that Bush kid?
three-fingered 'W' sign-
frat-boy cheerleader
Give me a third term
hillbilly chastity belt
made out of Moon Pies
A big-ass pension
Mustang it to Buffalo
for wings and floozies
Will I still get ginch
with an ass seven hands wide
like pooh-bear or Welles?
WATT BIRTHDAY HAIKU
Sunset in Pedro
but Watt's in Pocatello
throwin' down for d.
LYNDA BARRY BIRTHDAY HAIKU
It isn't twilight
clouds of tiny flying wolves
bats for your birthday
SOME ORPHAN HAIKU
Put an alien
dead center on Mt. Rushmore
humping Jefferson
5th and Limbo St.
go somewhere else for mercy
can't get there from here
Mastercard I'm bored
from where can't they extradite?
charge my passport too
salt mine closed early
car park dark as outer space
I yelp car stays mute
time is a gremlin
ten minutes with Godzilla
melts like Dali's watch
one rogue asteroid
laughing behind all your backs
negates your Blue Cross
in Ensenada
they feed kids dirt and pet them
hello Chiapas
Feng shui of Cleveland:
not on Godzilla's A-list
send Mothra, Rodan
in the scrub climates
the sparrows look like baseballs
everything mutates
conservatism?
they call it compassionate
hugs from a rapist
from Afghanistan
arrives Destroy All Buddhas
hillbillies with bombs
GOODBYE DALE EARNHARDT
Your barcalounger
looks like a pretty safe ride
all things considered
Poor Junior Johnson
started it all for moonshine
nitro cut with hooch
FOR IGGY POP
like Billy The Kid
a stooge with a wild gift
scorned gold for the thrill
THE PRIVATIZATION OF INCARCERATION
two tons of sparrows
in a one-ton limit truck
choose flight or prison
MARDI GRAS!
ghost of Huey Long
leave oysters for the Kingfish
fuck Standard Oil
stretch the telescope
Sam The Sham out on the gulf
Sportsman's Paradise
FOR BILL VEECK
at three foot seven
he made baseball history
king Eddie Gaedel
GOBLIN IN THE SKY
my kid roamed the earth
ignored spikes in hands and feet
poor Pinocchio
double date with god
he always hogged the back seat
wouldn't pay for shit
me in his image?
a funny motherfucker
sky-bro to fuck with
MOVIE NIGHTS
scar on her forehead
that I want to kiss and kiss
Dame Emma Peel
a capsule review
of flick 'Hideous Kinky':
title is half right
sweet ol' John Candy
Planes Trains Automobiles
god, do I miss him
HAIKU FOR THE NEW RECESSION
let the good times roll
did you buy an SUV?
you can live in it
who did you vote for?
has it mattered in decades?
flow and ebb then starve
can you eat your pets?
they'd eat you in a minute
smarter than you are
send those resumes
kiss ass at the interview
tell them you like tests
piss in this thing here
you would think that was the job
to piss on command
careful where you park
bounty for the repo men
visit friends a lot
bank tellers know all
never ask them out on dates
goose the ATM
the grapes of whose wrath?
Tom Joad was an optimist
nobody is home
pawn shop buggery
every one part of a chain
McHock the tv
shoplift a chicken
cook it at dark on the beach
soon you'll have new friends
do you have children?
they'll adapt better than you
party in a car
fortified Night Train
screw that Xanax prescription
never made you dance
make sure you have bleach
so many uses for it
you know what I mean
how's the old mortgage?
ugly mail from the bank?
thank them for those ads
day-old bread can rock
on the pier with a sixer
trade some for a fish
rust belt memories
last check from your extension
went for a lawyer
how did it happen?
flew you across the country
now you're walking back
cable guy out front
don't give up your TV Guide
hide until he's gone
suburbs out to there
downtown reached to over here
ruins everywhere
laid off the night shift
that was when the work got done
no one needs to know
will you shampoo dogs?
I can get you on part-time
tell them you know me
cancel Christmas now
the Grinch was on the right track
don't need that heartache
when it gets like this
they say the tough go bowling
you can keep the shoes
go to a theme park
where the theme is poverty
safety in numbers
...AS TERROR DOES
you must ask yourself
when airlines lay off thousands
who's the terrorist?
is this genocide?
murder of the middle class
who's the terrorist?
you got insurance?
can you afford to get sick?
who's the terrorist?
how much is the rent?
two jobs for a roach motel
who's the terrorist?
just the way it is
answer to the bottom line
who's the terrorist?
soldiers get the gals
recruit at the football games
who's the terrorist?
they broke the unions
attacked the copper miners
who's the terrorist?
WATT BIRTHDAY HAIKU '02
halfway to 90
on a twenty inch high bike
freak flag in your town
GROUNDHOG DAY '03 HAIKU
Punxsutawney Phil
sees six more weeks of debris
never mind the war
Punxsutawney Phil
will bomb your fucking heart out
for a slaughterhouse
Punxsutawney Phil
wants to drive an SUV
sorry Iraq kids
Punxsutawney Phil
didn't vote for G. Dub-ya
but neither did you
Punxsutawney Phil
fired you and yours last week
unemployment line
Punxsutawney Phil
wants to downsize your mother
be a patriot
Punxsutawney Phil
closed the K-Mart in your 'hood
attention pipeheads
Punxsutawney Phil
just bought himself a Hummer
be very afraid
Punxsutawney Phil
don't worry 'bout a shadow
or a mushroom cloud
Punxsutawney Phil
don't use a rubber no more
digs him some porno
Punxsutawney Phil
wants to sleep with John Ashcroft
Henry Kissinger
Punxsutawney Phil
sees six more weeks of horseshit
he's an optimist
Punxsutawney Phil
went to Shorty's Bar and Grill
do you know that one?
Punxsutawney Phil
had a seat on the shuttle
no shadows in space
Punxsutawney Phil
bought ice cream for Bill Murray
groundhogs need love too
Punxsutawney Phil
sees six more weeks of war
who will bug us next?
Punxsutawney Phil
sees six more weeks of tv
I would rather die
Punxsutawney Phil
can get you government cheese
bring your own crackers
Punxsutawney Phil
choked to death on Crazy Horse
shadow at high noon
Punxsutawney Phil
was crucified at sunset
keep the homeland safe
Punxsutawney Phil
sat in with Duke Ellington
down in Storyville
Punxsutawney Phil
rode a comet to the ground
'cause the price was right
DUCT TAPE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER HAIKU
duct tape on your heart
cover it with a small piece
tell them what you think
send email to Uncle Ray at rev.silo@yahoo.com