YOU GOT THAT?
you piss in the ladies' room
and screw in the phone booth
you got that?
you got that down?
you got that?
you got that down?
you do it that way
not the other way around
you got that?
you got that down?
you got that?
you got that down?
Hambone Willie
and his drunk fat ass
wanna tear one off
with a little bit of class
so he waits for his jump
in the girl's pisser stall
and they tear one off
up against the wall
well
you piss in the ladies' room
and screw in the phone booth
you got that?
you got that down?
you got that?
you got that down?
Dickweed Freddie
and Bubba The 'tard
couldn't hold their water
til they made the yard
so they let it fly
on the phone booth floor
figured that's what the son of a bitch
was for
(woulda used the ladies' room but they was screwin' in there)
you piss in the ladies' room
and screw in the phone booth
you got that?
you got that down?
you got that?
you got that down?
You do it that way
not the other way around
WHEN HARRY CREWS WRITES ABOUT LOVE
when Harry Crews writes about love
Harry Crews lays it down
when Harry Crews writes about love
it makes a big-ass spankin' sound
words in steel
words in iron
words of love
for his son Byron
read those words right off the pages
out come the freaks
when Harry rages
harelips cripples iron-freaks
knockout artists
carnival geeks
bearded lady and fat fat man
they walk with love
from Harry's hands
when Harry Crews writes about love
Harry Crews lays it down
Harry's love big as the ocean
where even God could drown
LIES ALL SIZES
Got one for you
right out to here
you gonna love it
when it go in your ear
sweetest little lie
you ever done heard
swear to god it's true
give you my word
my word is granite
my word is stone
on my mother's eyes
on my children's souls
gonna lie gonna lie
gonna lie lie lie
lookin' for the truth?
I would rather die
Climb a tree and tell a lie
feel so good to get so high
get so high when I lie lie lie
never gonna stop
til the day I die
gonna lie gonna lie
gonna lie lie lie
lookin' for the truth?
I would rather die
Oldest language in the world
one that we all know
started as a sign
then it started to grow
universal tongue
oldest virus on the earth
gonna lie my ass off
for all I'm worth
wrote this song for you
I swear I did
you're the first one I told
I love ya, kid
gonna lie gonna lie
gonna lie lie lie
lookin for the truth?
I would rather die
SUB SONG
I can stretch it out a mile
and I'll float it down the Nile
you be gettin' it with a smile
you got to check out my diesel sub
it ain't no Garden Weasel, Bub
gonna save Taiwan from the Chinese
drop down
get down on your knees
kick-start my diesel sub
Taiwan say that they need eight
I can bring 'em, it's a date
ocean rockets great great great
bombs away and all that stuff
Peking no like? Titty is tough.
gonna build them fuckers
in Mississippi
hire me some Oakies
maybe even a hippie
unhand that bong
put down that tooter
we'll whup us up a diesel shooter
Gonna steal some plans
from the Germans and the Dutch
don't tell nobody don't say too much
can't give those foreigners one of our nukes
gonna have to swing
with our diesel dukes
You got to check out my diesel sub
it ain't no Garden Weasel, Bub
swingin' from the Elvis state
got a great big package
for my Taiwan date
LAY OUT
lay on the short con
lay on the long con
layin' out like King Kong
walkin' with the King
in Gunga's din
iniquity
for you and me
cannot get enough
hand the big ape
a powder puff
take you down to the beach
way after dark
gonna blow a hole
in Noah's Ark
holdin' hands with a monkey
and a lemur
and a snake
gonna get 'em all dates
if we have to drain the lake
lay on out
lay out big time
big time
big time
the only cool hand
in this blighted land
lay on out
'til they understand
lay on out
'til it all makes sense
don't mind me
I'm a little dense
up every morning
just to see what they wrecked
it's always bigger than what we'd expect
lay out in Reno
and Constantinople
gonna take me a nap
in dreams there's hope-l
lay out in Bangor
and Waterloo
lay out in Fairbanks
and Pittburgh too
lay out with Charo
in Baton Rouge
lay out with Einstein
and Ted the Nuge'
lay out and do the humpty dance
lay out with the Frenchmen
in darkest France
lay out with the animals
two by two
lay out with the Pretty Things
and the Searchers too
lay out with JFK
in his bubbled Lincoln
lay out with the Zombies
and the ice cubes clinkin'
lay out with Flipper
and old Li Po
lay out with Hobbes
and Shoeless Joe
SUSANNAH McCORKLE
Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled
sparrows know this too
if I could train each one to bring me a flake
maybe I could rebuild you
We'd have you all over the place
in ten thousand sparrows' mouths
that's you all over, scarecrow
the sparrows gave up and went south
they hopped to put their flake down
with the others on the ground
they flapped their wings to sculpt you
and they watched you going down
There was water where you fell
there was water where you left
there was water when I heard about you
your absence is a theft
Today I'll go down to the river
and I will cast and cast my line
and the fishermen who know me
will pretend they can't see me crying
Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled
and God even counts the sparrows
it's a deal they made in the Bible
along with the slings and arrows
God was supposed to count every hair on your head
that's the deal I always heard
but when they found you on the sidewalk
he didn't say a word.
* the line "snowmen fall from heaven unassembled"
was "sampled" from David Levinthal
PO' BOY
Po' boy sammich
and Dixie beer
ain't got no home
so much for fear
fry me an oyster
spear me a hot link
stand the fuck back
let a poor man think
got a blue fang devil
an incarcerated rebel
got nine to five in a telephone trunk
got me a blaster
Thelonious Monk
stinkin' up the highway
like a shotgunned carp
reads me One Hundred Years of Solitude
reads me The World According to Garp
pissin' in the weeds
by a seafood store
they locked the place up
when I started to snore
hangin' with the Jeho's
on the bus stop bench
they dig my shirt
my mysterious stench
dynamite a bluegill
send me the bill
can't buy a thrill
can't buy a thrill
got the fear
Mr. Fear himself
got the fear
on a 10-foot shelf
whup it on down
it's a can of corn
put it in the pocket
where the sweet spot's worn
DUTCH DREAM
"Thank you, Sam, you are a boiled man."
does this last, I see Ralph Branca hang one
into the history books it goes
but when the library burns down
and the block the library is on
and the city the block is in
and the continent the city was on
all Hell Night fire then arctic ice
is history still history
when it falls silently
and the witnesses and their blighted children
die with it?
Is there a red telephone that is red enough?
Is there a crypt for the dead cryptology?
I gave them a cardboard box
and they time-traveled
Who would have known?
the ruins speak to us like William Blake
the ruins speak to us like whales
the ruins speak to us in their serpent sprawl
STUPID IS FREE
Stupid is free
I used to date her
rode the bannister
up the escalator
stupid is free
and he had a daughter
fell out of the boat
and missed the water
get yourself a bushel
get yourself a pound
get it by the hectare
don't mess around
free today
might cost tomorrow
free today
just a dollar a hit
free today
but I'll sell you the shit
buy it by the tub
and the litre
and the peck
hock your ass
up to your neck
got a stupid blowout
a midnight sale
grab yourself a washtub
load it with a pail
lookit here dad
got a stupid grunion run
somebody told somebody
stupid is fun
got stupid holdin' down the Alamo
stupid puttin' up the flag
at that Iwo Jee-mo
stupid out there on that Calvary
stupid spinnin' out
goin' into turn three
holy schwazoli, stand back, men
here's comes stupid
and he's hangin' ten
stupid at the speed of sound
out on them salt flats
stupid snuggin' up a rack
with Minnesota Fats
stupid stood in line
to board the Titanic
stupid sent out for ice
stupid did not panic
lookit here, boys -
it's a bird it's a plane
it's stupid in tights
and he stood up Lois Lane
DUTCH AND JOHN
"Sell my old clothes I'm off to heaven"
she boiled your rookie card for seven days
until it disappeared in the chili
with the onion and the Semtex
the big guy shot him
out the window on the right
was Three Mile Island
they built a salmon scaffold around it
and buried it in beer cans
out of sight out of mind
spear me a crawdad
I'm talkin' tongues with Jed Clampett
while the military industrial complex
peeps through the skylight
many a boy has wept
many a boy has wept
in Pennsylvania and under it
with Judas in the underbrush
with Judas in the turnout
with Judas in the last caboose
HOUSE
At the dark end of the street
where all the major fuckups meet
I gave some money to a clown
he gave you up just like that
we'll put the fire to the fat
I'm gonna burn your house down
you don't have to be in it
you can be out of town
but I'm gonna burn it down
burn it down
burn it down
Something primal on the wind
a blue gypsy moon
I didn't want to be a hater
when your neighbors see what I did
they'll bring me cookies later
I was just gonna burn your lawn
but brutes like you don't get it
there is no place for subtlety
wasted on a joker
with an IQ of sixty-three
in for a penny in for a pound
I'm gonna burn your house down
burn it down
burn it down
You can't argue with results
but everybody finds the time
I'll do it in the daylight
we'll see who drops a dime
I'm gonna burn your house down
just for something to do
Will Rogers puked in his grave
when he got a load of you
I'm gonna burn your house down
What do you think of that?
Open up that little door
send out your scrawny cat
LIKED HER LIKE THAT
Out in the alley behind the kitchen
a devil wind and a bottle of something
trying to get his beast to kick
taught her "Cowboys To Girls"
taught her "Bang Bang" too
sure it was a crisis
they were fun at that age
broke wasn't as broke
as it is these days
broke wasn't as broke
when everyone was broken
he could fix her
with a radio and french fries
and a Rat Fink ring
they made a deal about her and her lies
she could lie to him about everything
and he would just see her lips
and drive and drive
was two-timing the thing
that kept her alive?
he tried to find her grave last year
it wasn't where they said it was
she got married and she got divorced
and whoever it was
wasn't thinking about her
when she died
or the day after or now
whoever it was
couldn't fix her with french fries
couldn't fix her with a radio
didn't know she was afraid of the dark
well
if thinking about her
is a ray of light
she doesn't have to be scared
WHAT HE WASN'T AND WHAT HE WAS
(for C.B.)
He came down through Donner Pass
higher than an eagle's ass
went to the ostrich rodeo
got sideways then he lost control
he was no Crisco Ranger
he was not born in a manger
he was a red-headed stranger
started seein' eight-foot bats
in the parking lot
of the laundromat
parked his tour bus in the shade
sang 'milkshake-milkshake lemonade'
made all the parents real afraid
got out his harp
and did 'Blueberry Hill'
just to give the kids a thrill
he was no Crisco Ranger
he was not born in a manger
he was a red-headed stranger
drank his bourbon through a Flavo-Straw
sang 'One Meatball' and 'I Fought The Law'
did his impersonation
of a short-trunked elephant
took out his bridge
and started to rant
he was no Crisco Ranger
he was not born in a manger
he was a red-headed stranger
(in no immediate danger)
saw a biker gal
at the top of a ladder
bought her cookies
gave her honeymoon bladder
come springtime
she got fatter and fatter
he was no Crisco Ranger
he was not born in a manger
he was a red-headed stranger
kept a pet mongoose
where the sun didn't shine
let it out in the schoolyard
at recess time
Purvis went home and got his gun
they're all still talkin'
'bout how that red-headed stranger could run
GET IT ALL IN
Mr. Rogers came down to my neighborhood
they got the soldering gun
and fucked him up good
they got it all in
you got to get it all in
jumprope jumprope
kiss a cop
livin' in your bunker doin' decoupage
Tossed Salad Man
met the Maytag man
they've decided to adopt
get it all in
you got to get it all in
they're sellin' single bullets
at Pioneer Chicken
gonna start the 10K run there
gave your little brother
a ride across town
then they sold him to a square
get it all in
you got to get it all in
medicine zombie in the shade
out in back
where the history's made
got the PCH drivin' on my street
we blocked it off
we gave 'em a treat
broke the camera on the curb
then we dug a pit
and we cooked 'em in the yard
there's some news that fit
get it all in
you got to get it all in
cashed that giant check
at the corner tappy
huffed the Mylar balloons
and we all got happy
get it all in
you got to get it all in
my boy's on the water
he's a snakehead now
bein' all he can be
in a garbage scow
get 'em all in
you got to get 'em all in
BRIDGE
soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could
soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could
soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could
soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could
just to see your face when the bridge burned up
just to see your face when the bridge burned up
just to see your face when the bridge burned up
you were out of the race when the bridge burned up
you got put in your place when the bridge burned up
soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could
soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could
soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could
soaked it real good
then I lit it 'cause I could
WENT THERE
You know the rain man had to have his fish sticks
while all the writers wrote their Moby Dicks
then there's all these guys who won't leave town
what the fuck is in Blue Pike Downs?
hated the breakfast in their breakfast spot
hated the downer coffee
from their downer coffee pot
thought their pigs looked like men
thought their women looked like pigs
would not work in their factories
would not live in their digs
he took a lap
down their boulevard
peed on their french ancestors
then he laughed
he laughed real hard
jesus christ you should have seen their church
where all the church stuff went on
he told them their bald preacher man
had a head just like a pawn
oh he dug it
he dug it real hard
he laughed like a displaced person
who just bought his own yard
he went there and he didn't see why it was there
you could live a better life
in the electric chair
everybody had the same job or none
everybody died trying to have some fun
he went there and it made him cry
he came back a happy guy
PAL I CAN
can I go again?
stamp my hand
I need a resurrection
from this hot dog stand
relish the visions
you have given me
fell like a spear
in my troubled sea
no voice to sing no song to bring
point with your wings
point with your wings
was I too blind to dig your fly-by?
how many times did you say hello?
how many times did you resist goodbye?
find me on the shore again
lost and I need more again
I miss my friend
I miss my friend
SHE HAD EVERYTHING GOIN' ON (BUT SHE WOULD NOT GO OUT WITH YOU)
Played the tenor in a beer joint band
fell out in the right places
during that M*A*S*H episode
danced with the girlies just for a hoot
goofed on that parrot head in the Jimmy suit
slammed her ale
from a longneck tube
put on that wiseass
acted like a rube
my god you should have seen her
in that thrift store shift
and those funky high heels
that gave her that lift
oh man it all went on
and across and above and through
she had everything goin' on
but she would not go out with you
cooked in seven languages
she could tango up a storm
left the pad at closing time
with that felon they called Norm
would not touch your biscuits and gravy
but every Mother's Day
she got a card from the Navy
you're the last guy on the planet?
she'd rather date a marmoset
she caught the midnight sun with Igloo Lou
they ain't come back yet
oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah
she will show you what Lapland means
it is the place where strangers
line up to remove her jeans
you will get a postcard
addressed to Buddy or Sport or Dim
sent while she was partying
with him and him and him
oh man it all went on
and across and above and through
she had everything goin' on
but she would not go out with you
DON'T BELONG
Plant a seed in the ground you roll boxcars
it's all comin' up dead
turn out the stars
fuckin' around where you don't belong
fuckin' around where you don't belong
the water is poison from the bottom to the top
killin' everything and you will not stop
I killed the land and I killed the sea
it felt pretty good when I kilt you and me
fuckin' around where you didn't belong
got a nine-foot catfish he can talk like me
got fuckin' Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy
got you some TV so you'll buy a car
better get two
you highway star
who you fuckin' around where you didn't belong?
you're fuckin' around where you don't belong.
I killed the land and I killed the sea
it felt pretty good when I kilt you and me
I's jus' fuckin' around where I didn't belong
how you gonna stop me?
you ain't that strong
I's jus' fuckin' around where I don't belong·
beat up a whale then we had her for dinner
I'd do more but I'm just a beginner
I am fucking around where I don't belong
I'll crawl in your smutty ocean and sing you my filthy song
I am fucking around where I don't belong
you cannot change the channel on me
I am your future and I'll piss in your sea
got a highrise got a lowrise
got a seven-mile trench
I'll make it all a petting zoo
when I find the proper wrench
I am fucking around where I don't belong
I'll crawl in your smutty ocean and sing you my filthy song
I am fucking around where I don't belong
FABULOUS JUNIOR
Crows hop and ravens walk
amoebas split asunder
and twenty or thirty years ago
Fabulous Junior laid down some thunder
thunder borrowed from the thunder man
Junior and his boys recycled it
in their own little can
there's always a market for knock-offs
be it hula hoops or pants
Junior and his boys had their fifteen-minute dance
well Junior bought a ticket
to the Fabulous Junior show
and he hasn't come back yet
and he still wants you to go
Junior's Junior when he buys a paper
and he's Junior when he mows the lawn
and he's Junior where they know him
and where they don't he ain't gone
please lord help me get down with Junior
otherwise we can't hang out
Junior suffers being Junior
he'll sell you his Junior pout
when they recognize him it's agony
though it was work to be where they would
Junior'd stop being Junior
if only he could
well Junior bought a ticket
to the Fabulous Junior show
and he hasn't come back yet
and he still wants you to go
THE ROSE
I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before
I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before
I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before
there were people up there and the people died
and god knows if they coulda they woulda flyed
I'm diggin' Woody Guthrie at Windows on the World
He was up there with some journalist girl
Saw a big-ass plane headin' for his chilli
Wished to christ he'd spent another night on her floor in Philly
Got his ass launched into the sky
called out to his bro Leadbelly on his way to die
Said:
"damn, my bro, I'm glad you ain't here for this
ain't a person in this building
woulda hired us to clean up piss
I'm sorry about these deaths and all that shit
but they did it to themselves
that's the long and short of it
got on the subway every day
helped to kill what they could so they'd get paid
you know the rent here now is a motherfucker
you ain't nothin' to a landlord but another sucker
there were 'bos like us, too
got caught in this mess
temps and peons no more no less
when the hammer comes down the lord stands back
turns a blind eye to all the whackwhackwhack"
come on up for the hosin'
come on up 'til you make enough
come on up for the hosin'
stick your hand in the cookie jar
'til you get snuffed
now they got to have them a war or two
it don't make no difference to them with who
come on up for the hosin'
come on up 'til you make enough
come on up for the hosin'
stick your hand in the cookie jar
'til you get snuffed
we got a guy tellin' us who the heroes are
they bought his records
they bought his car
they bought his house
they bought his wife
they bought his band they paid for his life
you know they bought the shoes on his feet
and it broke his heart
when they splattered in the street
come on up for the hosin'
get a wristband bring your credit card
bring two forms of ID
the tickets are about a yard
then we'll party hard
yes we'll party hard
I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before
I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before
I don't wanna hear him jam anymore
'cause I've fuckin' heard it all before
come on up for the hosin'
come on up 'til you make enough
come on up for the hosin'
stick your hand in the cookie jar
'til you get snuffed
I'M GIVIN' MY KIDNEY TO BARRY WHITE
I'm givin' my kidney to Barry White
just come and get it
I won't put up a fight
I'm givin' my liver to Sleepy LaBeef
we'll do it at night
it won't take a thief
I'm givin' my unit to Jamie Lee Curtis
I bet if she had one
she would not hurt us
I'm givin' my balls to the president
so he can fight up close
he can go tent to tent
I'm givin' my pancreas
to Ronnie Hawkins
he needs to keep drinkin' and screwin' and rawkin'
I'm givin' my heart
to Johnny Unitas
he wouldn't let no fundamentalist dogs bite us
I'm givin' my brain to Stephen Hawking
might make him a dead man
but he'd be walking
I'm givin' my lungs
to the Excitable Boy
he'll trade us some tunes
he'll be our envoy
I'm givin' my soul to Captain Beefheart
it ain't much but it's a start
I'm givin' my eyes
to Mr. Stress
so he can dig him a tall blonde
in a red dress
I'm givin' my arms to Muddy Waters
he taught the blues to all those rotters
I'm givin' my tongue to Top Jimmy and his pigs
I don't want it back
I hope you dig
I'm givin' my knees
to Kenny Stabler
he can buy the next round
he can be my enabler
I'm givin' my temper
to Lou Piniella
he can buy me some ice cream
we'll fuck with vanilla
I'm givin' my feet
to the Cadillac Santa
on 5th and Main
he handed out manna
I'm givin' my shorts
to Robert Cristgau
I don't wear 'em
but he can eat 'em anyhow
I'm givin' my health
to Richard Pryor
fuck Billy Joel
he didn't start the fire
I'm givin' my guts
to the vice president
down there in the dark
with his shadow government
I'm givin' my nose
and everything snotty
to all our bros
in the Illuminati
I'm givin' my hat
to Larry Storch
if he'll bring Lord Buckley
we can party on my porch
I'm givin' my wig
to old James Dean
if he'll pass Paso Robles
if he'll keep it clean
Come and get it all
just back the truck up
a minor gesture
from a major fuckup
I'm givin' my kidney to Barry White, etc.
(add your own)
THAT'S A FACT
Well Stewart Copeland's in The Doors
that appears to be a fact
Dave Mason couldn't do the Traffic reunion
'cause he was in Fleetwood Mac
what do you get Ten Years After Humble Pie?
I ain't tried it yet
but it's Deep Purple and I bet it'd make you cry
jesus christ, there's Don Knotts in Iron Butterfly
and there's Jesus Christ covering 'The Tide Is High'
we got James Gang out to here
we got Free
we got Blue Cheer
we got the Mahavishnu Orchestra
with Don Ho on violin
we got Leslie West on bongos
we're gonna pack 'em in
we got a BTO mini-tour
and John Prine wants in bad
he wants to take care of business
and boy he'll wish he had
whatever happened to Bob Welch?
I'm fucked if I care
but I'm puttin' him in Pink Floyd
I'm doin' it on a dare
I dare you to mention Jethro Tull
Hawkwind
or The Amboy Dukes
I'll take all the survivors
and inflict 'em on you mooks
hell, they'd still pay to see Bob Feller pitch
I bet you would too
you dumb son of a bitch
when poor old John Entwistle took a powder
they just flew in a ringer
and turned up louder
I got Skyhooks
and Coven
and the Alex Harvey Band, too
I rented the pad
I'm gonna mess with you
I'm gonna head east with Head East
it's a Big Country, jack
I'm gonna package Hot Chocolate
you're gonna get the Knack
Hey I forgive you all
those day jobs are a cunt
take your head out of the noose
drop back fifteen yards and punt
THE GOVERNOR'S WIFE
I will tell you this right now
I am in love with the governor's wife
don't care if he knows it
don't care if she knows it too
they'll find out sooner or later
I don't care when they do
did you see her at that thing
where they do what they do when they do?
when he put his hand on the Bible
and they gave them both that house
she laughed in their faces
didn't know what they expected
rolled her eyes at the writers there
she made jokes about her posture
she didn't give a fuck about her hair
did you see those interviews she did?
she's a beatnik with the wrong joe
found herself some preppy collegiate
with a great line of bullshit
and some disposable dough
well it only got her so far
and a rocket on a launching pad
has to get up and go
he hasn't figured it out yet
he wants to rule this shitheel roost
he can have it all
and he'll always want it, too
well governor here's a postcard
of me and your sweetie
riding off
into two or three manmade sunsets you helped set off
oh baby in our ground zero spex
drivin' your special governor's short
oh pardon me, sport
damn straight
pardon me, sport
ROOSTER CRUSH
Stands there lookin' like a rooster in those great big shoes
she must weigh eighty pounds in the winter
Raymo make you some catfish
Raymo feed you some dinner
breaded oysters down at Lido's
down there by the train station
we could start a revolution
we could be our own nation
they got that ceramic crustacean
out in front of the place
my heart's in chaos when I see your pretty face
and man the lime-green fireman boots
are driving me insane
every day we don't go out and play
is a day spent crying in the rain
they say if you go out seeking love
it's a greased pole straight to hell
well I've been worse places
and there's no one to tell
do you know Bobby 'Blue' Bland
and that song he did?
if you deny love
it'll find another route, kid
do you want to go there
with those band-aids I've seen?
who blew up your heart?
will you ever come clean?
do we need to know
that he did this and this and that
how long can you hide from it
how long can you talk to your cat?
The train will pull out
while you wait at the station
I've done that too
I've felt the frustration
Somebody take this rooster crush off my heart
send me a six-foot-five bohemian gal
this poultry jones is a cul-de-sac
I'll buy my own KFC
I'll stand in the parking lot
and yell
I saw you playin' with the zombie boys
at the gas station drive-thru
I was on the bus
I was watchin' you
I was happy for them
I was sorry for you
I know you don't belive this
but it's true it's true it's true
I know you went home alone
if you didn't
that's even better
they don't know how to read
you wouldn't send them a letter
you can hide with a simpleton forever
forever forever
did it myself
I was pretty sure it was clever
can't count the versions
of 'I'm Through With Love'
I'm sure all the singers meant it
so you burned a valentine on your lawn
well my heart sent it
CONTEMPT
Familiarity breeds contempt
absence makes the heart grow fonder
you can walk a tightrope
go out like Karl Wallenda
sometimes absence makes the heart go wander
when you fall, fly
time wounds all heels
it takes two to tango
three to dance on orange peels
God protects drunks and children
right up until they fall or fly
and then many of them
die die die
Every year drunks and children
re-enter the food chain by the score
Let a smile be your umbrella
then run like a motherfucker
gravity takes no holidays
(I said that)
the whole world is magic to a moron
(I said that too)
beer is LSD to most bar patrons
that's bad news for you
oh baby
bleach your hair real good
Clorox that stuff
use those big plastic curlers
git yourself a gig tendin' bar
put on that court tv
forget how to make a drink
remember to ignore me
the tail wags the dog
curiosity killed the cat
(before the neighbor kid could)
the cart is always in front of the horse
the cobbler's kid's go barefoot
as a matter of course
What goes up goes up your ass
(I told you to run like a motherfucker)
Down there at the vendor's stand
had my hotdog in my hand
here comes Karl Wallenda outta the sky
all I could do was cry cry cry
BIG FAT JESUS IN THE HOUSE
Save your dogma
and all that twaddle
you got to check god's son out
you got to see him waddle
What would you do with Mary Magdalene
if you were him?
you'd send her out for pork rinds, jim
When she laid that spikenard
on his feet
it reminded him of lard
he hollered for fried meat
Loaves and fishes?
goddamn straight
with tartar sauce and home fries
on a big-ass plate
Oh my god when he saw Pringles
that carpenter built houses
and he used 'em for shingles
When he saw the apostle Paul
with a thorn in his side
he rolled him a burrito
about this wide
Here come the Romans
with some serious lumber
whop him up some corned beef
lay on that little cucumber
Oh baby
those crowns of thorns
are some cruel things
you got to back them up
with some onion rings
Spring might really hang you up the most
but when you're hangin' out on Calvary
you could use some Texas toast
Where was he for the missing years?
down in the French Quarter
man, he stripped his gears--
oysters Dixie gumbo beignets
and for lagniappe naked souffles
He's got a revelation for your ass
build yourself some chili
you'll be cookin' with gas
don't spare the jalapenos
loose the habaneros too
promise to forgive him
and he might forgive you
When you're cookin'
with Big Fat Jesus in the house
things have been known to get wild
virgin births and strolls on lakes
resurrections second takes
banana splits and jumbo shakes
some cheese fries
with a side of slaw
a sumo version of the Pieta
THE SOLUTION
Got me a car that runs on piss
ain't no dinosaur piss
ain't no monkey piss
it's not from an alien or an emu
all you holy warriors better listen up
you all better dig on this:
my car runs on my piss
my piss
my piss
my piss
my piss
my car runs on my piss
and it can run on your piss too
I got me a funnel
and I'm comin' after you
my car's gonna run on your piss too
your piss
your piss
your piss
your piss
we're gonna scare it right out of you
when you dig on the things
my pissmobile can do
In every house a pisstank
got a pipeline to the pissbank
gonna take it out
gonna put it in
gonna take it out
gonna put it in
gonna take it out
gonna put it in
gonna get your motor runnin'
gonna get your motor runnin'
It ain't a commie thing
to each according to his need
you can drive anyway
even if you ain't ever peed
got a Cord
got a Hupmobile too
you better check out my Tucker
you greedy motherfucker
'cause they all run on my piss too
my piss
my piss
my piss
my piss
would you think I was badder
if I emptied my bladder
in the middle of OPEC Nation?
my gal pees standin' up
she don't need no gas station
she just flips the flap and arcs it--
she's a devil when she parks it
she gets me to my destination
with her piss
her piss
her piss
her piss
her piss
gonna get there with her piss too
lookit here, Standard Oil
got a serpent in my pants
it's about to uncoil
check it out, Exxon Valdez--
got me a keg party
gonna knock you to your knees
not gonna kill a single thing that swims or flies
or walks or eventually dies
with my piss
my piss
my piss
my piss
my piss
I CAN TELL BY YOUR SEEIN'-EYE DOG YOU'RE A BARTENDER
Baby never mind the basketball games
I've already changed my name to LeBron James
I dig your spolied melon titties
your Clorox hair
your big fat ass
chewin' up your underwear
that bare midriff
and all those stretchmarks
all that mess
makes a man's pecker bark
but there's just one thing
if you really don't mind
I know you're busy
I know you're blind
I know it's my fault
'cause I came here
but there's guys at the bar
and they're dyin' for a beer
could you get me one
could you get me one now
I'd like to get it myself
you belligerent sow
I'm not talkin' to you
I'm talkin' to your boss
I can kick his ass
I don't care if I get tossed
'cause there's another place
just like yours
across the street
they sent me here
to try and get a beer
what kinda dog is that
did it belong to Helen Keller
I bet she could tend bar here
her and Old Yeller
they're about a hundred years old
and they're dead
I'd rather have them back there instead
man run me some pork rinds
and hold the sass
makes a guy want some swine
lookin' at your big ass
fire up the walker
and bring it on down here
wake up your dog
and get us a beer
THE WAR IS OVER (IT'S THE DYIN' AIN'T STOPPED)
The war is over it's the dyin' ain't stopped
coffins hid away
no photo op
the body bag orders are unlisted
shame on Bobby Lee for catchin' one
it happened somewhere else
to somebody else
like that story The Lottery
like the bunnies in Watership Down--
he ain't runnin' anymore he caught a snare
it was his fault, I guess--
we don't talk about it--
there's tomorrow to think about
a monetary hellhound on our collective trails
makin' us punchdrunk
makin' us zoned amnesiacs
makin' us shellshocked
makin' us global citizens
on a round banana peel
makin' time a fevered dream
heat then cold then emergency
medication
dislocation
relocation
entirely too much information
a crisis in your coccoon
an emergency of the soul
the heart atrophies
a loved one slips off in the fog
jane doe and john doe come home again
JAZZ HAMMER
Oh Storyville
throw in Tin Pan Alley
52nd Street
let's flog 'em into jelly
Louis Bird Coltrane Diz
I name-checked 'em
see how hip I is
blowin' through Toledo
with Art Tatum in his Lincoln
got some great big lies
boy they be stinkin'
oh the Village Vanguard
oh Basin Street
I'm in Minot, North Dakota
with bunny slippers on my feet
I hoofed for TOBA
I rode in the back with Fats Navarro
I'll have some more bullshit for you
If you come back tomorrow
I got my jazz truncheon out
I'm gonna bust up the place
I'm gonna sing a big jazz lecture right in your face
jazz jazz jazz
jazz jazz jazz jazz jazz
jazz in my trousers
oh razz ma tazz
you can call it jazz
you can call it Bob Brown
we can take the greatest thing
and just bring you down
two hundred bucks a table
but you gotta have dinner
I can get you close
if you join my jazz club
that'll be a winner
jazz jazz jazz
boppin' scattin'
sheets of sound
here comes the jazz hammer
stand back and let it pound
Downbeat Monk Satchmo Lady Day
Miles Ella Pres Basie Duke
I'll shove 'em down your throat
til you could just puke
jazz jazz jazz
jazz jazz jazz jazz jazz
(I knew Miles when he was a block
I knew Bobby Short when he was long
I knew Dodo when he could fly...)
here come the jazz bullies
here come the jazz police
here comes a jazz grant
here comes a learned jazz rant
from a guy who wasn't there
but he's got a tenured chair
never ever will I marry
jazz is my hooker
now ain't that scary
SUGAR'S DINGO SPANKY
You know you'd wanna be him too
don't deny it--
even bogus hearts won't buy it--
you wanna be Sugar's dingo Spanky too
you're a liar
you're a liar
you're a liar
if you say it ain't true
you wanna be Sugar's dingo Spanky too
he got the leash
and all the rest
walkin' with a dingo
in downtown Budapest
or Tokyo
or Spain
some place
where the curtains are blowin'
her and that dog be goin'
walkin' thru Paris or Peoria
wonderin' what really happened
to the Andrea Doria
you could sink or you could swim
Sugar got a dog
we all envy him
GOIN' AWAY
Goin away
goin away
goin away
goin away
you can't leave
you can't stay
the history of the world
is goin away
it is always goin away
on a dock before a war
a father and a mother
only met once before
now they're goin away forever
and they're goin away some more
go away when you go away
then go away some more
go away in Newfoundland
and Bali
and the Azores
go away in the Seychelles
then go away once more
hugs at the dock
hugs at the canal
hugs at the locks
it is just as well
goin away
to Buffalo
don't think that happens?
it would break your soul
hugs at the airport
we've all seen 'em
put that goin away stuff
in the Goin Away Museum
goin away
goin away
goin away
goin away
holy jesus christ
he got to come back
when they rolled the stone
he got to go away big time
now they want him back home
a hug in a room
it went away
that girl's perfume
away away
love in a Pontiac
on a certain day
can never go away
away
away
it will never go away
it will always stay and stay
Albert Einstein did this stuff with chalk
E equals me and you today
in a place where death can't walk
gonna cakewalk into your old neighborhood
gonna have my cake
gonna eat it good
once more for old times sake
never gonna go away
never gonna go away
WHERE'S THE GIRL?
I always kept hearin'
it's a man's man's man's world
but you can have it
you can take my share
I'll trade it for a girl
that would be fair
All the wreckage
down on Lombard street
I won't take that tour
leave me alone
fuck all those walking sandwich boards
for testosterone
the whole thing's a little creepy
you saw mama kissin' Santa Claus
inside the big tipi
I saw Cool Hand Luke
with his church key and his pipe-cutter
when he told off God in the church
he did not stutter
he might as well have asked for a girl
as for deliverance from his tormentors
and a diamond stickpin
and a griffin to ride the hell off in
love doesn't ever have to happen
again
it didn't have to happen in the first place
ask anybody it never happened to
Where's the girl?
she's in Ethiopia
Where's the girl?
she's pulling a rickshaw
Where's the girl?
she's watchin' Green Acres
Where's the girl?
she's divorcing Lloyd Don Bailey
Where's the girl?
she's snapping beans on the porch
Where's the girl?
she's sanding down a Chesterfield
Where's the girl?
she's drivin' a cab in North Park
Where's the girl?
she's learning to smoke behind the barn
Where's the girl?
she's shucking oysters on the pier
Where's the girl?
she threw her boyfriend down the stairs
Where's the girl?
she's counseling battered women
Where's the girl?
she's crashing radio-controlled model planes with a walkie-talkie
Where's the girl?
she's solving gridlock in Seattle
Where's the girl?
she's sifting sand dollars for tourists...
Where's the girl?
she's putting her index fingers over the W and the question mark...
ILLINOIS JACQUET ON
Acker Bilk
Enoch Light
Illinois Jacquet
fight fight fight
Got my Illinois Jacquet on
Jacquet on
Jacquet on
Jacquet on
gonna take it off
Jacquet off
Jacquet off
Jacquet off
when you got your Illinois Jacquet on
and your Acker Bilk sweater
you can welcome the dawn
it doesn't get much better
gonna make my Enoch Light
gonna let my Charlie Rouse
gonna get the Marquis de Sade
to walk right in my house
Got a warning light on
colored alpaca
gonna puke in a Buick
with Neal Sedaka
oh daddy oh baby
come dig my vines
I want to be a huge rock star
where the big dog dines
Got me the shoes
got me a hairstyle too
and I can fuck up everything
I'm paid to do
got my Bent Fabric flyin'
I'm there if you're buyin'
gonna duck walk into Cicero
gonna strut with some tweed
gonna cop Chuck Berry's thrift store slacks
gonna look mighty righteous
while I struggle with my axe
Illinois Jacquet on
switchin' the Enoch Light on too
Acker Bilk gonna pour my milk
when I work my wardrobe mojo on you
THEY DON'T LOOK LIKE US
(Fake country song feelin good about America)
My daddy did somethin'
you can make the rest up
made us all real proud
I'm gonna do it too
in the same place
in the same way
with a lot less money too
you're my bro and I'm with you
peer pressure means everything
out here in the turpentine
when they ship me over there
gonna make that bald eagle shine
then I'm gonna stuff it up
every heathen hole I see
'cause they don't look like you
and they don't even look like me
I'm feelin' good about America
don't wanna hear 'bout Abu-Grab-me
I can't work no fuckin' camera
so they're never gonna nab me
me and Spike out in the Humvee
makin' friends thick as thieves
then they blowed us through the sky
and they're hopin' that we'll leave
well I didn't come here to run
and I'm stayin' in your back yard
I'm gonna pay you back for Spike
you can't just turn him into lard
look like somebody threw a bucket of raw bacon
on that cyclone fence
we been doin' some elephant drinkin'
we're gettin' ugly in the tents
Mississippi trot line
Oklahoma credit card
free tumblers with a fill-up
three-card Monte
'69 Avanti
the touch of my little Lurleen
I'm missin' Indian liar's poker
I'm missin' slipp'ry Katie
I'm missin' Al Roker
I'm missin' Steve Miller
leanin' into 'midnight toker'
fuck all y'all
fuck all y'all's tracts
when I get back home
I'm gonna roll in Big Macs
FUCKERTOWN
Down here in Fuckertown
you can piss right at the bar
that jake-leg pirate on the left
don't care who you are
you can get real lost
motherfuck the cost
Fuckertown will treat you right
got to get down to Fuckertown tonight
Took a long time to get here
been feelin' it comin' on
motherfuck the twilight
motherfuck the dawn
gonna nap right here for a second
then I'll get it right back on
gonna sleep on a rusty pillow
gonna dream about Phil Ochs
gonna hang around down in Fuckertown
until I get it right
I am hangin' with the ciphers
down in Fuckertown tonight
Seent me that Jethro Bodine
out the door with a purple whore
he was airin' out his spleen
might get on a rave
but I didn't come here to misbehave
we all know the code
darken the door strap on the load
I am dancin' with the beast
down in Fuckertown tonight
tryin' to get it right
tryin' to get it right
When they do a Mount Rushmore for chickenshits
gonna put you in the Washington spot
'cause the fuckin' shoe fits
if you got down on the floor
if you slithered like a snake
it would break my heart
'cause I like snakes
gonna break my heart down in Fuckertown
gonna blow it up
whatever it takes
gonna lay down with monkeys
gonna wake up with sloths
gonna drop anchor here
til I get off
Cruise ship vacation
Fuckertown the destination
my face in the backbar mirror
relaxin' down in Fuckertown
with Charlie Parker and his household pets
laughin' at a clown on TV
Fuckertown as good as it gets
* took the title from the Betty Ray site
** took rusty pillows from Lisa Seppi
HATE IS STRONGER THAN LOVE 'CAUSE THERE'S MORE OF IT
Hate is stronger than love
you can look for help
but it ain't comin' from above
too much hate on the big plate
just a child's portion of love
hate is stronger than love
it is stronger than love
hate has a stronger agenda
this wound you will not mend-a
hate gets the full entree
hate gets to win today
It is not a family restaurant
hate sits down and eats
whatever it wants--
baby
daddy
passer-by
hate is in your neighborhood
cry cry cry
hate and hate and hate some more
hate don't need to justify
hate don't even need a war
hate just shows up
and darkens your door
been around forever
hate pulls its own hate lever
hate and hate and hate some more
hate gonna walk right in your door
hate's gonna eat everything in the room
hate's always growin'
in some deity's womb
hate's gonna eat every child in the place
look up at the sky
give hate a face
BROKEN HEARTS AND BROKEN HEARING AIDS
Met her on a Wednesday night
my two poodles started to fight
thought they were frenchin' in the parking lot
stuck my hand in their mouths to see what they got
it was my hearing aid all poodle-altered
grabbed my chest my poor heart faltered
if they had a saw
they'da gone for my pacemaker...
Said she was the company greeter
she would not let deafness defeat her
She signed but I could not read it
she let me grab on
boy did I need it
Out in the Walmart parking lot
givin' it everything we got...
Hammer anvil stirrup too
nobody will miss me
how 'bout you?
Broken hearing aids broken hearts
she left that jackass
from auto parts...
a man is a man is a man is a man
the MGD's in aisle three--
now there's a plan...
broken hearts
broken hearing aids
it's just a parking lot
there ain't no parking lot raids
Would you dig me larger
if I was Sonny Barger
with a 1200 cc dobro?
uh-oh
uh-oh
uh-oh
uh-oh
I can't hear a damn thing you're sayin'
is that our song?
I can't hear it playin'
hammer anvil stirrup too
tickle my cochlea
that'll do
Infidelity?
started over there in aisle three...
Old Sam was a volume dealer
I can see the attraction
it's been years
since I got any action
Just punch your pumps
thru my car winders
I don't give a damn
if we get turned to cinders...
Broken hearts broken hearing aids
geese all fly in a V
would you be my valentine
would you teach me to sign one letter at a time
while we do like the animals do
broken hearts broken hearing aids...
Out in the Walmart parking lot
givin' it everything we got...
JESUS HATED BALD PUSSY
(title stolen from Hunter S. Thompson)
you can't warm your wedding tackle
in a defoliated cave
that couldn't hide a jackal
put your makeup on
fix your hair up pretty
don't shave your bush
don't pierce your titties
maybe it was a virgin birth
so he did not know
what a fur collar's worth
there's a reason they call it a gash
leave the tinsel on
I'll give you the cash
those shaved gals in the movies
have to use Visine
I'll bet they still
get rugburn
down in New Orleans
baby, bald was Allen Funt
this ain't Candid Camera
don't shave your cunt
you can pass the duchy
but I hate a bald coochie
down there in Gilgamesh
I'll bet they liked it bushy & fresh
Jesus hated bald pussy
and you should too
leave me at least an inch
and I'll worship your ginch...
We can knock that little man out of the boat
If you'll buy him a beaver coat
Butterfly and tootsie roll
We worship it all
If the foliage is full
[listen: in one of Hunter Thompson's books he claimed he was writing a country and western song called 'Jesus Hated Bald Pussy.' I hope he did. If he did, as of today, May 27th, 2005, I plead ignorance-- never saw it if he did. I wrote this a couple years ago when he was still alive--never really finished it-- I decided to sit on it unless he died-- alas, he apparently has. With all the respect and love in the world for Hunter and his work I offer this up with every apology for falling short of what he would have done-- Hunter, if you want to haunt me, get in line-- there'll be a couch open, eventually... -raymo]
HORNBILL AMNESIA
You can put your gun away
come Sadie Hawkins Day
the whole world needs a guy like you
a natural born nester
a recalcitrant child-molester
a bachelor with an ankle bracelet on
your date will surely have you back by dawn
when they phone it in from correctional
your GPS is omni-directional
a Cadillac accessory for a guy on the go
what name do they know you by
in the tappys down by the cannery?
or do you cruise the tannery at shift change?
A salmon in the pus river
the short straw
the nightmare-giver
a sliver in the eyeball
of the dating game
told you about her biological clock
so you left her standin' at the dock
with a kid and a cookie
that's the price a guy like you pays for nookie
they're lucky they got the cookie, no?
It coulda been worse in the long run
she mighta met you off parole and with your gun
Love is a many-splattered thing
stick close by, the phone might ring
it's murder when you're under house arrest
puttin' it all together
gotta go and flirt with that waitress Heather
gotta grab enough last straws to conjure up a nest
with mirrors and smoke
you're gonna go for broke
mirrors and smoke
go for broke
mirrors and smoke
go for broke
it coulda been worse in the long run
she mighta met you off parole and with your gun
I AM AN AMERICAN
Back in the day
oh back in the day
my shrink had a yacht so long
nobody ever seen
the stern or the bow
had to back up to cross the ocean
anyhow
Back in the day
fuckin A
back in the god damn day
I partied down with Nat King Cole
I had me a barber pole tattoo under my shorts
the natives ran when we made their ports
many aboriginals
doubled as clay pigeonals
for my shooting enjoyment
the parents lined their daughters up
when I hollered for their deployment
Back in the day
junior back in the day
my tips would choke a waiter
my proclivities
would kill a satyr
Keith Richards screamed at the size of my rails
I chewed up steel and farted nails
Buddy back in the day
in the god damn day
the long-haired hippies
and the afro blacks
all had fucking heart attacks
when they saw me do the do the do
don't shit yourself
you woulda, too
Back in the day
in the god damn day
you could buy the day
hear what I say
you could buy the day
so I bought 'em all--
ain't that a gasser--
this here day you're standin' on is mine
you a fuckin' tresspasser
on my day
on my mother fuckin' day
bought 'em back when
ownin' 'em now
chargin' you rent
and I want it now
now
now
now
now
now
now
now
This here's my day
my god damn day
where I'm gonna stay and stay
while I make you pay and pay
my day
my day
my day
my day
MISSIN' LARRY FEVER
The good guys go
but the assholes stick around
it's a bitter cold winter
and we're missin' Larry Brown
I'm not sayin' it's a sin
but when I see some of the guys still walkin' around
I'll trade you ten of those motherfuckers
for one half of Larry Brown
Never met the bro'
didn't have to either
we're all sick with missin' him
we got the Missin' Larry Fever
Let's get one thing straight
let's understand this from the start
maybe it went south on him--
but there was nothin' wrong with Larry's heart
Jammin' with his pool cue
he's Jeff Beck now he's Phil Lynott
lightin' up the jukebox
givin' it everything he's got
Roll over Bill Faulkner
tell the English department the news
there's another stomper comin'
and they couldn't tie his shoes
Is it wet? Is it dry?
Ice it down. We'll get by.
Toccopola, Pontotoc
Oma, Copia
Oktoc, Oktibbeha
Is it wet? Is it dry?
Ice it down. We'll get by.
Kosciusco, Attala
Looxahoma, Panola
Laconia, Coahoma
Is it dry? I'll bet it's wet
over there in Oxford, Lafayette
Twenty-six dry and forty-four wet...
Up at the Pearly Gates
the story goes
he showed Saint Pete
his fire hose
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
ain't no candy
ain't no fishin'
I'd trade the coldest beer on the hottest day
for one more story
I can't help wishin'
Larry has left the building
even the damn kudzu is wilting
Chickasaw
Yalobusha
Itawamba
Yazoo
Issaquena
Noxubee
Neshoba
Twenty-six dry and forty-four wet
he painted with the alphabet
Forty-four wet and twenty-six dry
Ice it down. We'll get by.
send email to Uncle Ray at rev.silo@yahoo.com